Commentary: Helping kids deal with political violence and differences
By Jill Linden
Since the Jan. 6 riot at our nation’s Capitol, some children are still frightened and/or puzzled about what happened. I will try to help parents explain what happened and give suggestions relevant to possible future, similar events.
One likely question is “Why did it happen?” You can discuss this in two parts: People had strong, angry feelings, and, in response, they destroyed property or hurt people.
You should emphasize that there is nothing wrong with having strong, angry feelings. People differ in their ideas and opinions and can get angry at others who have different ones. We are fortunate to have freedom of speech in our country, but that does not give us freedom to hurt people or property. When there are groups with opposing views, each group may think they are free to do things that the others are not.
Part of the problem is that some adults think that what they want is what should be. Educating children about the difference between facts, wants and opinions can be difficult. Give examples such as, “It is a fact that this broccoli is green. However, I have the opinion that it tastes good, and you have the opinion that it tastes bad. Therefore, whether you want broccoli depends on your opinion of how it tastes.”
Many people think that social media sites, such as Facebook and Twitter, give more accurate news than media such as newspapers and some television networks do. Parents should teach their children that good factual information can be found on the internet, however much of what is found there is designed to make you like a person or a political point of view. The internet is also used to try to get you to buy something or to make you do something.
A child might ask, “Why does someone do or say something when he/she knows it’s wrong?” Responses particularly relevant for children are 1.) because someone tells them to do it or 2.) because they think it will make someone like them. Some people are unable to explain why they say or do something wrong.
Psychologist Dr. Paul Kradel suggests discussing the importance of doing what’s right instead of “going along with the crowd” or doing something wrong because someone tells you to. A child who feels threatened because she or he doesn’t want to do what someone tells her or him to do could run away or tell an adult, “Someone’s trying to make me do what I don’t want to do.”
Other issues from the Jan. 6 riots: When children see pictures on TV of people hurting each other, they may fear for their own safety. Social worker Diane Kradel says you should reassure children that you will keep them safe and that your family will not go near where you might be hurt.
Some of the rioters at the Capitol wore costumes and/or face paint. If your young child is afraid of costumed adults, you might have to explain that most grown-ups in costumes are just having fun and won’t do anything bad.
Some suggestions for the future:
• Young children should have a responsible adult with them if watching TV news. That adult can explain what is happening and answer questions.
• Older children may watch news on a computer in a room away from an adult. Parents should try to learn what the child saw and be alert to signs that the child is upset or angry after using the computer.
• If a child disagrees with a parent and says, “You don’t understand,” a good reply would be, “I’d like to understand. Please explain why you think that’s true” or “What makes you feel that way?”
• Sometimes, a parent feels stumped about how to answer a child’s question. It might be best to say something like, “That’s a good (or important) question. I will think about it and talk with you more later.”
Most important of all — try to be a good example of tolerance for your children. Be accepting of people different from yourself and show that you are open to ideas different from your own. Do the right thing, even if it is more difficult or makes you unpopular.
Jill Linden, Ph.D., is a retired child psychologist living in Harbeson.
