Some simple cures for the complex problems of 2014

Most of the world’s biggest problems have very simple cures that are just staring us in the face. They are as obvious as smelly furballs from your cat, as the smell of bacon on your dentist’s breath, as obvious as Dolly Parton’s big . . . hair. Gotcha there didn’t I?

Why do we avoid recognizing these solutions? We are not all blind; regardless of what your mom said, doing that does not cause blindness. We are not all stupid; a lot of us didn’t fall for that ruse that we landed a man on the moon. And we are not so consumed by our jobs that we don’t have time to think. We might be consumed by our smart phones but not by our jobs.

You will all think to yourself, “Why didn’t I think of that!” when I mention a few of these obvious cures for humanities ills.

I’ll list a few problems and then the cure:

• BORING SOCCER — use 2 balls at the same time. Think about it.

• TEXTING WHILE DRIVING — design phones that don’t allow texting while the phone is in motion. We can send a missile up a walking camel’s butt shot off of a moving aircraft carrier that is bobbing in the ocean 150 miles away; so don’t tell me we can’t do this!

• TEENAGE PREGNANCIES — Sterilize all males at birth (yes ladies, we give you a break here) . . . only reversible after you can prove that you can physically, emotionally, and financially support raising a child. Yes, that means NEVER for most of you.

• HEALTH ISSUES CAUSED BY SMOKING — Make smokers have to show their health insurance providers information (so the store can notify them you are buying cancer sticks) before you can purchase tobacco products. Maybe it isn’t causing you problems now but it will in the future and your insurance rates should be at least twice a non-smokers in order to help pay for it. So your doctor should know every time you buy it. This purchase should also carry a $20 co-pay when you buy that crap. If I have to pay $20 when I buy something that helps me become healthy, you should pay the same for something that makes you and others around you, unhealthy.

• AIRPLANE SECURITY HASSLES — I do have a cure for this but it would be ridiculed as being socially unacceptable. That alone would not stop me from mentioning it but after much thought on the subject I decided that the thousands of people we employ to perform this security are not competent enough to get jobs elsewhere, so if we as taxpayers were not paying them a salary we would be supporting them in other ways. So it is probably best to leave that one alone.

• THE NATIONAL DEBT — No more extending the debt limit, draw that line in the sand. Then cut the spending by 5 percent a year, eliminating the debt in 20 years. Then cut every department by the same 5 percent. If your department thinks that is unfair then you present your case to the appeals board. The board is made up of 5 small business owners, 3 retired factory workers, and Clint Eastwood. “Go ahead, make my day!” Your case must not only say why your department should not be cut by 5 percent, but you must also tell us why some other department has to take the hit dollar for dollar for the same amount you want added to your budget. So the budget stays the same.

• THE CAT PROBLEM — Yes, there is a cat problem. After much research (you can find out ANYTHING on the web) I found out that the residents of the planet Felinedeliciousness exist on a diet consisting exclusively of cats. But there is a slight problem with inviting them here; their favorite hobby is blowing up volcanoes. So getting rid of the cats may cause the end of the world, but what the heck, it’s worth it. By the way, these cat munching aliens have another good trait; their furry diet causes them to urinate oil. Who wudda thunk it?

• IMMORAL LAWYERS — same solution as for the cat issue. Yep, a sweet planet called Lawyerstewasaurus. You can also find them on the internet. But what does a lawyer heavy diet cause you to excrete? Cactus. Ouch!

• BAD/DUMB/DRUNK DRIVERS — Enforce the speed limit, if it is posted at 55 then 56 is a violation resulting in a fine. If you want the limit to be 65 then make the speed limit 65! How do you explain to your kids that some laws can be ignored? Also make everyone take the written and driving tests annually. That should weed out about half of the bad drivers. Also drivers caught driving while under the influence lose their license, their car, their voting rights, and one year’s salary. That should slow that issue down some . . . but if we REALLY wanted to stop drunk drivers we would test people leaving the bars. An intrusion of your rights you say? Not as intrusive as the gauntlet we have to run to get on a plane and is much more likely to save a lot of lives!

• MILITARY CASUALTIES — Stop sending troops overseas every time some warm weather country has an internal conflict. Do our generals all need a tan? Do we have contracts with suppliers that only make camouflage uniforms? . . . warm or cold weather, it doesn’t matter, just stop sending them. I don’t care if it is an all-volunteer army; just quit sending them to die or to be mutilated. Does anyone really feel threatened by an army 7,000 miles away who’s version of a tank is a camel pulling an armored Hyundai? I am afraid that money is the main reason we are involved in these conflicts. Sad really. But just quit it! . . . By the way, where are the protests, the marches, the sit in’s? Does no one care or are we too busy playing with our latest electronic gadget?

• THE ABUSE OF SPANDEX — Wearing spandex in public is not a right you are born with. After you reach a certain age, somewhere between 16 and 21, it is something you have to earn. I tried being a one man evaluation committee on the subject but my wife kind of objected. Little does she realize that ALL men are one man committees on the subject. So I invented an APP for mobile devices that allows men to do electronically what they have done forever mentally; rate the appearance of every female. In this case just for those wearing spandex, since spandex will have woven into it the transmitter for the device. So ladies when you walk into the bakery or convenience store in the morning all of the men there will right away vote on your appearance. You can see the votes tally daily. A vote of 75 percent or better means you are looking good. But any score consistently less than that means the spandex police will come calling to confiscate the abusive material . . . Just to be fair I am working on another APP that lets women vote on the appearance of men. I just haven’t figured out yet how to get the transmitter into a beer belly.

• IMMIGRATION PROBLEM — We have illegal aliens for the same reason we have illegal drugs, because we want them here. We want cheap labor. We want someone to do the work that we don’t want to do anymore. Stop hiring them and a lot of them will go home. Stop buying the drugs and the suppliers will go elsewhere. But that isn’t going to happen. So I suggest we do away with all of the border patrols and rely on good old American greed. Give anyone turning in an illegal alien a monetary reward. Make it worthwhile, about $1,000 a head. You’ll have more people to deport in 10 days than we currently export in a year. Should that not work then simply invade and takeover Mexico. That little war has all the necessary qualities; we can’t lose, all of the officers would get a nice tan, and the generals could go home every weekend! Then the current immigrants would not have to sneak into the USA since they would already be living there. Of course we will have to find someone else to cut our grass, pick our crabs, and build our roads, but we should have robots for those jobs soon enough.

Speed round:

• Inept politicians — term limits.

• Crumbling bridges — build more sidewalks (nahhh!)

• Unruly students — beat their parents

• Overcrowded prisons — make prison conditions worse than what they have on the outside. Not better!

• Welfare abuse — No welfare for convicted felons or drug users.

• Global warming — Teach polar bears how to be drug sniffing critters . . . they can then work at the airports and at the Mexican border!

• Washington Redskins — I don’t know ... new name? ... new owner . . . new sport, maybe they should try rugby.

Okay that’s enough. Time to invite some aliens in for a visit. I think I just heard dinner moving about outside. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Editor’s note: Mr. Jones writes on political topics from his home in East New Market.