Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I realize what unconditional love is and I have unconditional love because of you Dad. Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers.
Now I could remember the scream from the speakers of Dad’s stereo as I looked down the tree line, hoping Dad passes my school Nellie Hughes Stokes, as Dad switched the red CD into the black, blue and white digital CD player, Dad turned into the roundabout on the green and grey raining day I remember in 2002.
I was in 1st grade with Mrs. Ott. I was in the slow reading group and was visibly upset before going to school when I would walk off the bus from Mom’s house because I had to read picture books and was not allowed to read Magic Tree House. When Dad dropped me off at school in 1st grade, Dad gave me long talks about finding the courage to work past the picture books, to Magic Tree House. Those talks, I never forgot, Dad.
Remember?
We had just left Muh Mum McClements’ house and had breakfast, tea and cereal with Muh Mum. I was jittery from the caffeine and seeing two of my favorite people in the world. I wanted Dad to turn around or tell me to stay in the car but as Dad lowered the CD volume as Dam That River kicked into gear with Sean Kinney’s ferocious beat, everything lowered instead of Dad raising the volume higher than even the first song, Them Bones.
Dad was trembling, and looked at me with tears in his eyes. I saw his native/white face. His fine facial features that looked chiseled. I saw myself before me. I had not seen Dad shaken like this, even when his dad died.
This day in April was different.
What’s wrong Dad, I asked.
I was in 1st grade, it was 2002. I was living between my mother’s and father’s, and sometimes my grandparents’. My parents were stable enough to raise me back then, this is my first core memory, my father telling me.
I’m okay Buddy. I’m just sad because my favorite singer, you know that guy we listen to a lot. Remember the album with the sap on it when you tried it in the woods because you thought you could eat it because I had a tape of it.
We both laugh. I don’t want to go to school/ I want this moment forever. He is my hero, and I love him forever. We’ve been waiting and the other kids have gone in. Dad is in tears.
Buddy, my favorite singer, Layne Staley, he died today. I just want you to know that I love you and I will always be here for you, and I want you to go in there and learn everything you can so you can be somebody in this life. I love you with all my heart Jordan. You’re my first born, son. Have a great day at school son. I. I love you. Have. Have a great, day, Jordan.
I unbuckled my seatbelt, and we both were in tears. I know we were talking about Layne Staley but we both wanted to be father and son.
It is one of my first core memories. When Dad told me Layne Staley died. How visibly shaken he was. How scared he was for me. How mortal he felt to hear that someone that was such a part of Dad’s life was gone, and Layne Staley’s significance to our relationship was untold at this point. Instead of reaching to that moment in life and trying to spend as much time with Dad, I chose to emulate Layne Staley and become a heroin addict.
You didn’t deserve that, Dad. You saved me from heroin addiction. Nobody and nothing else saved me. You’ve saved my life more than anybody, Dad. I’m lucky and thankful every day I see you or talk to you. Let’s keep those Sunday walks going, we both need.
Happy Father's Day Dad, I'm proud to carry your name, and be your son. Love, Your Son, Forever and Through Eternity, Jordan Ashton McClements
