Scott: Navigate the holidays with civil dialogue

Almost no one goes into a family function ready to set off a debate or heated exchange. But one off-the-cuff remark could be all it takes to stoke the embers.”

Marc Scott is a History Department instructor and the director of equity and community at The Tatnall School in Wilmington.

As we enter the holiday season, many of us are looking forward to cherished family gatherings and parties — a time for laughter, connection and much-needed levity. But these celebrations can also bring challenges when differing opinions surface after a few cocktails or around the dinner table.

We know all too well that our country feels more divided than united. We may feel we are being talked at rather than talked to. In a time of heightened polarization, it’s more important than ever to embrace the principles of civil dialogue, and what better place to start than with your own family and friends — and those priceless dinner conversations.

What is civil dialogue?

As defined by the Global Education Benchmark Group, dialogue is distinct from debate or even casual discussion. It’s a flow of words and meaning without a particular end in sight. Dialogue doesn’t aim to prove, explain or universalize; it’s an experience requiring a commitment to open-mindedness and the willingness to explore opinions that may not match your own.

Civil dialogue is not about winning an argument but about walking a shared path. Conflict can even be an opportunity for connection! By embracing dialogue, we prioritize connection over conflict, discovery over division.

At The Tatnall School, we set expectations for engaging in respectful and constructive communication within our school — and encourage our students to show the same respect in their home, at their jobs and even on the athletic field.

Here are some keys to nurturing meaningful relationships and preserving the spirit of togetherness.

Respect: a foundation of dignity

At the heart of civil dialogue lies respect. Family gatherings often include individuals with various beliefs, backgrounds and identities. Treating one another with respect, even when disagreements arise, ensures that every voice feels valued and heard. Respect means refraining from personal attacks or derogatory remarks, focusing instead on ideas and shared humanity.

Curiosity: a path to understanding

When confronted with a relative’s viewpoint that differs from your own, approach the discussion with curiosity. Listen to and seek to understand these opposing viewpoints. Ask “curious questions,” listen actively and consider others’ experiences. Curiosity opens the door to new perspectives, reminding us that everyone has a story and opinion worth hearing.

Empathy: bridging divides

Empathy is the glue that holds civil dialogue together. It urges us to understand and acknowledge the perspectives and experiences of others, even when we disagree. For example, instead of dismissing a relative’s concerns outright, try to understand why they hold their beliefs. Empathy is not about conceding your position but about recognizing the humanity in others. This approach builds bridges rather than walls.

Humility: the courage to acknowledge limits

Demonstrating humility during conversations allows us to admit the limitations of our own perspectives. It’s OK to say, “I hadn’t thought of it that way” or “You bring up a good point.” Such admissions are not signs of weakness but of strength — a willingness to grow and learn.

Practices for meaningful holiday conversations

Almost no one goes into a family function ready to set off a debate or heated exchange. But one off-the-cuff remark could be all it takes to stoke the embers. You can be the one to diffuse the situation and maybe even lead everyone to a more robust and positive outcome. Try to remember these tips:

• Engage but don’t attack — Keep the focus on ideas rather than personal attacks. A disagreement over politics doesn’t have to devolve into hurtful comments.
• Active listening — Truly hearing someone involves more than waiting for your turn to speak. Paraphrasing and asking clarifying questions demonstrate that you value their input.
• Communicate with empathy — Acknowledge others’ feelings and perspectives, even if you don’t agree, before sharing your own.
• Stay grounded in facts — When discussing contentious issues, rely on accurate information and be open to correcting misconceptions.
• Extend civility online — Family interactions often spill onto social media, so practice the same respect and empathy online as you would face-to-face.

Have a joyful and civil holiday season

This holiday season, let’s bring civility to the table. When we commit to civil dialogue, we honor the dignity of every person at the table, fostering a spirit of understanding that will hopefully resonate far beyond the new year. In the end, the greatest gift we can offer one another isn’t always agreement but rather the feeling of being heard and of genuine connection.

Reader reactions, pro or con, are welcomed at civiltalk@iniusa.org.